Divine Miscontent

I’m going on vacation. It’s unreal. It’s going to be so weird to not wake up panic stricken, wondering exactly how late I’m going to be for work that morning. Tomorrow is my last day of work. I won’t be at my desk though because I need to make one last business trip to represent my company at a trade fair on the other side of the country. Then I have to fly back on Sat morning, pack and fly out to Joburg (SA) on Saturday evening. Sunday I’ll be flying to Cape Town in time to pick up my robe on Mon and graduate on Tues. Or is it Wed? Pft. Who cares. Sometime during the week. According to me I’m already a graduate. Been a graduate since I handed in my dissertation and left university in Jan. Only graduating now because they took so bloody long to examine my thesis I couldnt make the June ceremony. To me grad is just a big showdown where people feel special and accomplished, old men wear dresses, photographers hit the jackpot, parents burst with pride and graduants get wasted. Been there,...

I've made two major blunders today. Okay, one major the other minor. The first was at a workshop this morning. The Chief Technical Officer of the ...what’s the word (we are the supplier - they are the? supplyee?)... recipient company of the stuff we sell...was making a presentation when he realised what he had just said was slightly inaccurate so right in the middle of the sentence he just yelled out "hold your horses, I'm a lying thief!". Man, I couldn't help it - I just burst out into incontrollable spasms of laughter right there in the middle of the presentation with my boss staring me down as if to say "get a grip woman". These people have zero sense of humour. How could you not find that funny? The only other person who joined in with a covert giggle was this guy Michel, who I really like because he's like me in so many ways. Anyway, if I wasn’t dark, I'm sure I’d have been a bright shade of red... The MAJOR booboo was an incident with a cer...

I must be missing something because I just don’t seem to get it. Try as I may to partake in the globally shared revulsion for Paris, I’m just not feeling it. I stumbled on yet another blog where the author feels the world would a better place if she was ‘shot into space and left there to die a slow and painful death’. So this begs the question: Why does everyone rag on Paris Hilton? - Could it be her sense of style? No she didint! Is that… *gasp*… the same dress she wore to that thing at that place last month!?! Not only is it REPEATED but also hopelessly OUTDATED! Holy MotherofGod, this must be the end of the world as we know it. So the fluorescent pink top does not go with the lime green mini skirt. Infact it couldn’t possibly go with any colour known to man. Boo-freaking-hoo. Let's line up the firing squad. - Maybe because she’s rich? Selfish bitch. Why didn’t she do the right thing and politely decline her inheritance: No thank you daddy. I would much rather spend my entire lif...

Wow. It seems my occasional senseless mumblings have now been reduced to a mere bi-monthly incoherent stutter. Anywayz, there’s nothing to report. I’m alive. Woopie-doop. Just trying to figure out what’s going on with this blog. Yes Misha , what gives? I’m still soothing my bleeding, calloused and blistered fingers from having to scroll down for five minutes to encounter any form of text. I feel like some great pioneer…Eureeka! Text! I. FOUND. TEXT!!! I think I need a project. Like join a knitting club or somethin. Not that I feel bored in my little house with the occasional er…sleepover guest, but its always good to have a temporary escape from my egocentric universe. I don’t have a TV…long story…so I got a 3000-piece puzzle. Jesus. WTF was I thinking? its 30% sky! But you can only do a puzzle for so long before you need to go out and strike up a conversation with the neighbour’s cat because you are so deprived of any form of social contact. I’m considering splashing out on an Xbox an...

I’ve been sick as a dog for the last couple of days. Sick as a dog ? I won’t even pretend to understand the English language. Speaking of the English language, who the hell knows how to use a semi-colon properly? You want to end the sentence ; but you don’t ; so you just shove it ; somewhere? Anyhow, back to my affliction: Spent the last two days lying in bed having K wait on me (erm, no, didn’t actually deliver the whole “its not you, its me” break-up speech I’ve been formulating – YET). I’m supposed to pick up the results of my blood test today and find out exactly what’s wrong with me. Could be a cold or the flu or cholera or Tuberculosis or the on-set of AIDS or... Hmm, maybe I should just wait for my results. I have a feeling it might have something to do with the four bloated mosquitoes I killed this morning flying around lazily, slower than usual since they were stuffed with my blood. I killed them, if for nothing else, just to wipe the smirk on their bloodied faces. I probab...

I had an awesome weekend. You know, one of those filled with lots and lots of…how do I keep this PG….erm, candy . It all started when I invited a certain miss K over for dinner on Friday night. Next thing we knew, it was Sunday afternoon and we were having breakfast in bed. I’m sitting in my office now grinning like an idiot consumed by thoughts of what went down (literally) last weekend. I need to purse my lips in a monumental display of self-restraint to avoid going into an explicit narrative every time someone asks me how my weekend was. She's at least at least 6 years younger than me (or I?), but what a cutie. She’s hilarious, a major plus in my book; an insatiable hot-blooded tigress. It's not all roses though. There’s just one itsy bitsy problem I conveniently ignored the whole weekend. To me, this is all just an entertaining anecdote to, for the most part, a lacklustre week. But it was obvious from the heart dangling off her sleeve, she wants more. She looks and acts yo...

I've had this PII for like what, 7 years now? Works great, no problemo. I don't tinkle with it, I don't buy new components, just threw in a CD writer extra RAM and then just let it be. It’s old and wheezes a little bit, but still keeps on chugging along just fine. But guys? Nooooooo. You're always upgrading something or other. Off fixin' some part that is clearly not broken, or just opening it up for the hell of it. You all think you were born mechanics or electrical engineers. Case in point, my kid brother has had my computer for all of 4 days, but then yesterday he calls to tell me that out of the blue it just went ‘poof’ and died. It went poof? Uh-huh. What do you mean it went poof? Huh? That’s the sound it made. I was trying to replace the fan unit. And this is because....? I was trying to fix the wheezing. Gee, thanks. You sure fixed it alright. Consider yourself banned from the vicinity of my PC. Twat. *edited to add:* I apologise for my abuse of the word ...

Yesterday was the day of the dreaded Performance Review Meeting. The ominous face-to-face cross-examination starring my boss. I was immediately consumed by unpleasant visions of what was going to transpire – I’d sit there meekly looking holier than Jesus Himself while he picks me apart: you're always late, you chew with your mouth open and then burp loudly (btw that was ONE time), you definitely need to get some decent clothes and proper shoes and a new personality while you’re at it…in fact you are a disgrace to the respectable Sales profession, the only reason we keep you here is because you dad knows some people in some very high places… He had scheduled half hour sessions the entire day to get through all of us. And I was first. Knowing my boss, there was no way he could tell me everything I'd done wrong in the last 6 months within the allotted 30 minutes. Plus throw in 5 extra minutes for the compulsory "encouraging words" like well, at least you do write neat . ...

This blog is so devoid of visual stimulation so... ta da!!! ENJOY. Don't ask me who these two are. Don't know, don't particularly care. But me likes what they is do! What do i need to do to find myself in similar circumstances? I'm tired of living vicariously as others (YES YOU , not so much you ) recount their sexual escapades. Little kids read this: Don't worry kiddies, its a game of Twister - new rules with elbows and knees - I swear! You just can't see the coloured spots from this angle...

I moved out on Fri. Since then i've been drowning with "friends" coming to "visit" who just wont fucking leave. Like this dude camping out on my couch. I mean it was great to have these guys around to drag in my furniture and stuff. Thank you. Now go. I've only had my crib for a couple hours but I already have crashers i cant get rid of. Why am I so bloody nice?? Can't even masturbate in peace. You know what..screw it. I just need to go home now and tell him to get the fuck out of my house.

So I woke up early this morning feeling sexy, feeling scorching HOTTT and wondering why everything smelt like roses on a warm spring day. Normally I would rummage through the pile of clothes on the floor in search of something that doesn’t smell like a putrefying corpse and complete the ensemble with my old but trusted pair of comfy sandals. As it happened, this morning I had a whole hour to prepare for work (1 whole freaking hour!) instead of the customary 20 minute desperate scramble because I over slept yet again. I located my favourite short funky skirt, my only silk blouse and searched the pile of rubble under the bed for my sexiest piece of shoewear - the new lookatme! lookatme! brownish strappy stiletto I had purchased the other day. Spent more than two minutes on my hair, accessorised and dusted off my only lipstick and eyeliner before applying a generous quantity onto my neglected face. I looked absolutely stunning, if I dare say so myself. I felt stunning, and by gawd was I a...

Is it just me or has blogger started getting copious amounts of spam these days? Its even more annoying because its a really bad attempt at sounding like a real post with their lame text... "This is a really great site. Very enjoyable topic, good choice. I'll bookmark you and pop in once in a while. Please visit my website: instant credit approval ". Oh look, wow. He likes my topic. I think I'll go visit his site now. NOT.

Bear with me, but I have to play the poor miserable girl from Africa card. How else am I going to get what I want? So here goes: I am a minority in at least a hundred different ways. I'm possibly in a special subset of my own: I'm black, female, gay, agnostic (secular humanist) and a paraplegic geek. Ok, I’ll level with you; I’m not really paraplegic. I guess I should be grateful that I’m not handicapped physically or mentally, although my mental capacity is debatable. But with the all whining about unequal rights that goes around these days there MUST be something I could join the bitching posse and be outraged and up in arms about. I should be walking around with a huge chip on my shoulder and I should be feeling marginalised, misrepresented, discriminated against, disempowered, disadvantaged, disenfranchised and a whole lot of dis-whathaveyous. But I’ve been pretty fortunate in my life and I’ve had very little to complain about. I’ve never felt the sharp sting of rejection...

This is not a me!me! It's a mini rant. 3 things that irritated me on the WWW today: Crappy political blogs. Bush sucks. Yes. Now move on. I really don’t care what [insert dubious news source] said about [insert daft leftwing extremist], concerning the [insert exaggerated blown out of proportion something-gate 'scandal']. And since we're all retarded when you quote make sure it is indented, centred, italicised, wrapped in quotation marks and preceded by “And I quote:”, since that’s the only way we can tell it’s a quote. The darn slow Internet. DHL will do a better job transporting my bytes around than my ISP. The fact that I find celebrity gossip blogs like Go Fug Yourself extremely entertaining. Normally, I should tell them they need to stop being so mean and get on with their shallow lives, but I cant. Coz they are just too damn funny. 3 non-internet things that drove me up the wall: My boss. With no warning he...I can't say it... *sob* *sniff* *puke in wastebasket...

I was out of my office for a ciggie break and some air (mutually exclusive?) when this mailman who had come in to drop a parcel proceeded to lecture me on the hazards of smoking. Smoking is bad for your health??? No kidding! This is news to me. He just kept spinning that same old scratched CD about how it’s affecting my ability to procreate and who will want to marry me then… Dude. That’s rich coming from you. Pick your belly off the floor or at least buy a shirt big enough to cover it and wobble back to your undersized scooter. I will quit…one day. But let me worry about the kids I will never have. You are proud of your good health? I’m sorry to burst your bubble but those varicose veins aren’t going to get you past fifty either. Now lay off the beer, give your tiny scooter to your son and go save some other poor sod. In other news... Its been a long time coming but I'm FINALLY moving out from my Aunt's place this weekend (yay!!). I've been fixing up the apartment for the ...

So I’ve been a little scarce to say the least. Swamped with work, lack of interest, just one more project tossed aside and abandoned in that bottomless pit of Shit I Started. Before I took up blogging I used to IRC every chance I got. Then I took a dabble at turn-based multiplayer online games and fantasy football. For all of 4 days. That quilt I’ve been meaning to finish for the last 5 years, the corrections of my thesis I’m supposed to submit before I can graduate all just add to the list of things I started then faded off like that cheap dress you washed once. But in spite of my attention deficit disorder I’ve managed to keep a diary ever since I got my first one on my 9th birthday. It was one of those Hello Kitty diaries with a tiny key, which I used to update obsessively with mundane details like whether I used Colgate or Signal to brush my teeth that morning and always started with "Dear Diary, today I...". Keeping record of my thoughts/feelings must be ingrained in my ...

Long time no blog... Theres been lots of stuff happenin but I just couldnt be bothered to talk about it right now. But I will bother to talk about this: We had a MAJOR virus attack since Wednesday. Affected all my company's offices across the entire sub saharan africa. Computers were freezing and shutting down all over the world. Well, my company's world at least. BUT I. YES I. Single handedly located the culprit file...and killed it: libsys32.exe Makes your PC shutdown after 60 secs. Well apparently the solution was found somewhere in Sweden 24 hrs after its first occurence and the patch disseminated throughout the company but since we are only a tiny subsidiary office doing nothing to annual global sales figures nobody bothered to inform us. Anyway, still. Take NOTHING away from me. I FOUND IT. A raise would do nicely thank you very much. A few extra zeroes for yet another nobel prize worthy performance. I'm too good for this job. Although i still can't sell for sh...

Ah, another exciting day at the office. Mondays. Don’t you just love them? They are the cherry on top of what was just starting to be a lovely weekend. Oh, how I look forward to Monday morning meetings. Just spent the last 2 hours in one of those delightful beginning of the week reunions with my wonderful co-workers. I just luuuv Mondays for the emails that greet you as you login. Truly a sight for sore eyes. You look though the list of 30 emails that somehow appeared in your inbox although it was weekend and people should have been at home making sweet sweet luv to their wives, wiping the snot off their baby's nose or being walked by the dog. But noo…they at work on Sunday ensuring that I get reminded of that proposal I promised to send as soon as I stepped into the office on Monday. But still, being remembered on a Sunday…even God doesn’t get that treatment these days…how special I must be. And as soon as I manage to get though the pile of lovely weekend thoughts, I get a reminde...

i’ve been feeling kinda down for the last couple of days and although I never frown this is a depressing phase i know i’m not the first to go through a bad patch yet I feel I must be cursed but its nothing you can catch there is nothing to live for is the way it seems to me life's a major freaking bore with only work and TV i know exactly what is wrong but there’s nothing I can do short of sucking on a bong and popping a few pills too S ame S hit D ifferent D ay is what I’m suffering from life’s a million shades of grey just a series of humdrum i figured if I died this feeling would go away coz I’m really sick and tired of going through this every day so why not end it all i ask myself today why not walk to the edge and fall the voice in my head seems to say she’s never going to do it you’re probably starting to think true, my dad would have a fit but I still need to see a shrink because the way things are looking even if I survive the week soon of death I will be thinking if my fu...

I just don't feel like blogging

Does marriage mean abandoning your friends? Does it mean giving up your independence and individuality? Is it a license for you to be a psycho bitch to those who care about you and your social life? And what's the deal with all the WE…. We this, we that…how about just I ….just one fucking I . As in I went to the toilet. One of my closest friends just got hitched. And I’m not liking it. Not one bit. Suddenly its Phil this and Phil that and Phil doesn’t think we should go out tonight… Well, PHIL: I used to see her about twice a week when we would go on our lunch break together, or catch a movie or a drink or two after work. She’s been married a month but I haven’t seen her once since the blessed event. Understandably they may still be honeymooning and between the marathon sexcapades and working to pay the bills there isn’t much time for anything else. I’m an understanding person and “I was having sex” is indeed a valid excuse for absolutely everything under the sun. It would be o...

STRESSSSSSS!! Fuck i'm stressed. I'm on my third ciggie (that means going down a million stairs and outside into the rain and gale force winds) and third cup of black coffee. My phone is ringing off the hook and i'm having double vision. Our client has left everything till the last minute and now they are stressing me out big time to come up with a million reports, proposals and the rest of that crap. BEFORE 5pm. WTF?? !??? They are our only client. They call, we run. But i got bigger fish whales to fry. They owe us loads of money so we cant pay our debts and the tax officers are knocking on our door. In addition, big bloopers from our sister/mother company in South Africa means we owe customs millions of $$$ in fines because we didnt follow the rules of importation. if we dont pay by Friday they are SHUTTING US DOWN even though its SAs fault. We are a tiny subsidiary office, a few million in debt and we are going under. Right now I'm just going to chill out at my desk...

I woke up fresh and perky this morning after a weekend of blissful nothingness. My aunt, her hubby and their kids spent the weekend away (yay!) at her mom's. There was no "you really need to stop smoking" every single time I lit up, with me thinking why is this conversation so familiar? Oh yeah, that’s right, we had it 5 minutes ago. No having to sit though their new shared passion: kicking back and watching golf all weekend - BOooooring! They're only in their mid-thirties but they've obviously been slapped in the ass by the Old Married Couple Syndrome. Ah, nothing like a weekend left to my own devises. I just stayed in, did my long overdue laundry (i was already deep into my reserve of stringy and seam-less 20 year old undies), I preened, cut my nails and watched a gazillion DVDs. I particularly enjoyed Hitch . 2 words for you: Eva Mendez. Need I say more? YUMMAY! Especially in those glasses. When you have your own place, personal space is something you take for...

I got coerced into attending an acquaintance’s friend’s dinner party last night. Normally I would decline such an invitation because – well because I’m a hapless loner who loves to grovel in self-pity eating ice cream in my bathtub and wondering why I have no real friends and then turn down any invitations to go out. No not really, getting hammered with near-strangers is one thing…trying to have a meaningful conversation at a dinner table amongst a group of friends who all know each other and have an assortment of insider jokes is a ridicule I refuse to endure. Again. But I suppose the lack of social contact outside the hair pulling from my “charming” cousins and the fact that I haven’t strayed from the work-home routine for 2 weeks now was enough to let me tempt fate. To my relief this time it was different. Even though I barely know the person who invited me to the party not to mention the host, after a couple glasses of wine that was all academic because the host proclaimed mi casa ...

I'm slacking off here big time. How do people do it? BLOG EVERY SINGLE DAY. I've got shit to say but no time to say it. Yet some people do this consistently, every single day for years with only the occasional sick leave. Anyway. I haven't been out in weeks. I mean out out. I'm even experiencing withdrawal symtoms now. I don't think my body can handle these unprecedented levels of alcohol. They havent been so low since i got off the bottle. I think that's the cause of this rash on my hand. so..... I'm off to fix my situation.

My boss just walked into my office and demanded that "we" (meaning me) go over some extremely complicated proposal he would like for "us" (still only me) to formulate and submit today. This is for a huge deal we are trying to secure....Its 5:30pm ON FRIDAY. Just after I miraculously survived a 4 hour seminar from hell, with an instructor that must have been speaking in tongues for all I heard. Please tell me, do i have SLAVE DRIVER on my face? No? Look closely, because there is no other explanation for this insanity. I looked like i was going to fall off my chair and start spewing out my lunch with deadly precision onto his neatly parted thining hair so he's agreed to meet on Monday. Why thank you kind sir. Your kindness knows no bounds. Jerk. Now my Firewall is clearly deadset on ensuring that when i go online, I stay within the confines of sleep inducing coporate propaganda by denying me access to this website which according to them contains "Sexual Mat...

I've exposed my dirty laundry before. Online, in virtual obscurity, is one thing, but I can’t think of any friends who know more than 2 of my confessions and definitely no family. Over the last 4 months, living with my aunt has made us bosom buddies – the one person I can talk to about anything. Well, almost anything. She makes me want to spill my guts and reveal all the skeletons and putrefying corpses I’m hiding in my closet. I suppose this can be attributed to the fact that in our frequent midnight chitchats she has discovered many of my eccentricities and has already concluded I'm a regular freakazoid, the unfortunate offspring of a Martian family scarred by generations of inbreeding. Last night we were discussing why I have such a negative attitude towards marriage. So I thought, well, at this juncture nothing I said would make her lift an eyebrow in the slightest bit of surprise or concern. After much ado, multiple delay tactics, furious blushing and dramatizing to soapy...

I have this irrepressible urge to go out and actively seek and destroy the asswipe who invented the alarm clock. If he's dead, my wrath will be passed on to his children and their children's children ad infinitum. At the moment of his brainwave he didn't realise he would be irreversibly ruining perfectly decent excuses for coming to work late: “The dog was supposed to lick me awake and he didn’t! Blame the dog.” or "What? It was raining! How could I wake up when it was raining!". This morning, like every morning, my extremely rude awakening consisted of an earpopping screeching alarm sound resulting in an involuntary groan interjected by a few choice words and a flying object now a pile of unrecognizable grit on the floor, all serving as a daily reminder of why I have “sleep early, dumbass” on my To Do lists. I need 6 full hours of sleep to operate in any capacity remotely qualifying as normal. A minute less and I'm a zombie ready to star in a Michael Jackson ...

Stumbled across This Blog . This guy is so funny he put me in stitches. Shame it rarely gets updated, but its worth a read. Came late to work today, so I have to pretend to be busy for at least another 30 minutes. Trying to perfect my pensive pose...I'm certainly deserving of an Oscar right about now.

I’m going through a dry spell here. My life is so dull right now, there’s absolutely NOTHING to blog about. I’ll post anyway, but I cannot guarantee your sanity by the time you are done with this mind numbing brain fart. Warning: Reading this post may lead to foaming at the mouth and/or reddened swollen eyes with throbbing veins in prominence, out of complete and utter boredom. Proceed at your own risk. I had croissants and a yogi sip (drinkable yoghurt) for lunch today. Tasted real yummy. But my tummy is now acting funny. I feel so crummy. It had probably expired on me. I'm such a dummy. I think I need my mummy. My baby cousin took his first steps yesterday. They’ll be his last for a while. Fell flat on his face and lost a quarter of his teeth. Well, one tooth - he only had four. Oooh ooh ooh since we are suing for fun: the USA doesn't want to sign the Kyoto protocol YET is probably responsible for 1/4 of the world's greenhouse gas emmisions. They are messing with MY ozon...

I'm in the market for new friends. I'm not picky. All I’m looking for is someone who knows how to have a great time and most importantly, someone who can afford to take me out to dinner. I don’t mean an extravagant upmarket restaurant with a different wine and fork and knife for every food group, just a regular steak and chips supper washed down with a can of coke. I'm sick and tired of hanging around with a bunch of broke-ass douche bags just cluttering up the surface of the earth. This weekend a new friend of mine (oozing potential for being more than just friends) invited me over to her town about 3 hrs drive away. After early evening pre-drinks, her friends and I hit the clubs to let loose on the dance floor. After about 10 mins I noticed everyone was still lounging around like a bunch of old ladies so I got a drink order from everyone to get the damn party started already. I must be suffering from a major culture gap because I was under the impression that we were goin...

Google-Search-Term-Leading-to-this-Blog of the Day: "Cameroonian pu$$ies" Hmm. Very disturbing if thats what my blog has been reduced to. Note the use of dollar signs to prevent further misrepresentation. *********** I tried to set up my voicemail today. I dialled 123, spent 5 minutes on hold, then finally got a REAL person on the line. Total waste of a chunk of my life. "I'm sorry, that service is not currently available, but please try again in 2 months". 2 months????????? Like...for real?!?! I had this idea that the 3rd world sucked, but boy was I clueless of just how much. (Context: Lived in Geneva for the larger part of my life, then lived in SA which is one of the better 3rd world nations and I'm now in Cameroon - having major adjustment issues here!) I'm not asking for 3G or WAP or even GPRS, just , you know, your regular run-of-the-mill mail retrieval system. "Hi, please leave a message at the beep" type thing. But nooooo - that's j...

This is me AND I guess everyone does now. I might as well just put up my phone number and address while i'm at it. Don't ask me what was going on with my hair becuase I havent got a clue.

I cant believe i just typed out that title. Oouch. It makes me wince. Who says shit like that in this day age. Well, me, apparently. Wait...or was it 'the spice of life'? Anyway, had a point so I'll get to it. Music is so beautiful. I’m incredibly inspired right now and I don’t inspire easily. It gives you goosebumps, it makes you want to scream, it makes you want to laugh and it can make you dissolve into a pool of tears. It sounds better than the taste of chocolate ice cream, than the feel of satin sheets against your naked skin, than the smell of spring. What can I say; it’s just fucking beautiful. If love feels like how this song sounds right now I can understand why people lose their minds and get their brain washed, tumbled dried and handed back to them by the love of their lives. I’ve been listening to a couple U2 and Cranberries songs through my new headphones and paying special attention to the harmonies. I can’t sing for shit, so I’m awestruck when melodies just c...

Yet Another Monday. Mondays. They keep on comin’, don’t they? Week after week. What’s up with that? Stockholm now seems like a distant memory even though my luggage only actually appeared yesterday. Air France has this tendency of losing my luggage every single time. You’d think it was deliberate. I say burn ‘em down. Let them accidentally navigate themselves into the Eiffel Tower for all I care. South African Airways is the only way to fly: Once you go SAA, you’ll go no other way . Right. Clearly no one should trust me with their advertising campaign. Moving on… Me: Sweden was nice. Friend: Nice??? Did you say NICE??? Tea is nice! Summer is nice! The old lady down the street is nice ! Sweden? Fantabulastic! Me: Uh, ok. If you say so. Truth be told it was just an average trip. Nice to get away from the office, meet new people and visit a new city, but I wouldn’t want to live there. Its a little too dull for me. Just not enough action, and ya'll know I’m all about the action! Per...

You may (or not) have noticed I've been kinda scarce lately. That's because I've been out of my office the whole bloody week. I spent it traipsing across the country, doing meetings and stuff and feeling grossly inadequate. I wouldn't even know where to start recapping, or how to accurately describe the weirdness that was last week. So lets just say it involved strange little village towns, a flooded sub-standard motel room and picking up what was left of my ego and self esteem after tripping over some cables during a presentation. How on earth did I get this job? No seriously. I guess the real question is: How the fuck do I keep it???? In between shuffling my feet and picking my nose with this blank stare on my face that says "What? who, me? you were talking to me??" its a miracle i still come in day after day. I guess i must be doing something right. Or maybe i just know lots of people in high places. Two years ago I would've rolled around pissing myself...

My Auntie dearest must have been suffering from temporary insanity when in a moment of weakness she agreed (!?!?!) to have every single cousin, second cousin, and cousin's friend we know (or don't know) come spend a week or two with us. This means I’m now sardined with 11 kids between the ages of 10 months and 14 years in a tiny three-bedroom apartment (four really, but one is used as a storeroom). There is always someone in the fridge and grocery shopping is a joke coz these kids throw down (eat) like there's no tomorrow. 8 baguettes, 6 litres of milk, 20 eggs. Every. Goddamned. Day. And that’s just breakfast. The crying, the biting, the fighting, the screeching - my ears have threatened to find a new body. So I get home from work, change into something more comfortable and just go loiter at a friend's till I know the little boogers are snoring in their beds. Yesterday, I came back after 11 and 10 of them were still awake, still running about and still fucking screec...

I'll skip over my completely mediocre weekend which involved two guys trying to feel me up, at the same time I might add, no girl-on-girl (girl-on-me) action and a cat-sized rat (i said i wont go there). Anywayz, last nite i rediscovered a shooter i havent had since my varsity ( college for the Americans among you) days appropriately named "Women's Revenge". Its Amerula (Irish Cream) and some kind of lemonadey thing. Totally curdles in your mouth, a bit like how a blow job would taste. It makes you think eeeww/yum/puke! all at the same time. Moving on to this morning: I just learnt I'm going to Stockholm on a week long business trip next week Friday. My very first business trip . Sweeeeeet! Its going to be so cool just to repeat it... "So you wanna hang out on Friday?" "Love to but i cant" "Cmon why not, It'll be fun!" "I know, but I'll be in Sweden on a business trip" Then i'd heave a huge sigh like I've so...

TGIF - Thank God Its Friday Whoopiedoop!!! In my private universe, thinking is illegal on Fridays (and Mondays and Tuesdays and....) So brace yourself for some mindless banter... ********* What mischief will I get myself into this weekend? The "getting wasted and wondering how i made it into my bed" routine is so old. I think I'll stay in this weekend to contemplate my sins. Hahahaha. Right. ********* Gosh I could really use broadband at home. Heck, I'd settle for narrowband even. Any kind of band has got to be better than no band. ********* I've got this sneaking suspicion someone in my office is reading this blog. I'm getting hits from within this building. Michel - If its you reading this I COMMAND YOU TO STOP THIS INSTANT! OR ELSE... or else what?? Darn. TGIF. This Girl Is Fucked. If you read yesterday's post, you'd realise I dont mean literally. What to do. My blogging is severly compromised. If this is my last post, you know why: I was fired, ove...

Dibs. Interesting character that one. As it turns out, she knows i have the hots for her and goes to great lengths to let me know that she knows: the way she licks off the wine rolling down the side of her glass the way she holds my gaze till i look away the way she touches my thigh ever so gently when she's talking the way she giggles and says "oh stop it" when i say something silly god, what a tease. or perhaps its just that my senses are so heightened when i'm with her i think she is gay-curious. and i was happy to indulge her so... i walked her home we parked in front of the tv in the dark to sober up then i kissed her. the kind of kiss apparently made famous by the French. unless it was only a very nice dream, i believe she kissed me back still, somehow i ended up in my own bed. alone. I knew I should have shoved more of the Bailey's/white wine/that_weird_green_stuff down her throat. so, i have nothing left to do but resort to cheesy cliches: i may have lost ...

Today's title. Is that even a real word? Spell Checker doesn't think so. but what does Spell Checker know anyway dammit IS a word, dammit! Anywayz...i was going somewhere with this. Im pretty sure I had a point when i started out this post. A clear objective. Nah, who am i kidding. I didnt. Do i ever. I feel like Ellen the Forgetful Fish in Finding Nemo...what was her name again? You know the part....in the beginning, when she's showing Nemo's dad which way he went when she starts running away coz she thinks he's stalking her.... Consumerism... Where was i headed with this? Clearly I'm too lazy to actually write anything that makes sense today so.... I swiped this off these guys . (Please, please don't sue me!!! ) Some 'interesting' yet REAL consumer labels: Does that have anything to do with consumerism? Do I even care? On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ...

It's Monday morning. I really don't need a reason to rant. The mere fact that it's Monday is reason enough. Frankly, Monday mornings make me so cranky I could rant forever about the colour of the butterfly that fluttered in through my office window. I'm partial to blue butterflies so god forbid a yellow butterfly venture anywhere into the periphery of my vision. I woke up this morning and decided that HAD to change. Yep, even if it killed me, this was going to be best goddamned week I've ever had. I was going to dig deep, very VERY deep, and pull out my confident, positive, go-getter, the-world-is-my-oyster attitude. I thought maybe, just maybe if for once I woke up early (instead of the rushed "I'm late!" Monday routine), had a 30 minute power session at the gym before work it might help reinforce my newly found invincibility and joi de vivre. Usually nothing short of a sudden fit of madness would make me think it would be a good idea to visit the gym...

Ok, I'm back. It helped. I still feel dazed and confused though. Maybe I just needed to eat something afterall.

I can't focus. But I'm not shaking. Yet. And I'm sure as hell not thinking. I can almost smell it. That sweet sweeeeeet taste of tar and nitric acid lightly tossed in a cauldrum and glued onto my lungs. Ahhhh. Why do i taunt myself so. Then the tea lady shows up with strong filter coffee. Sans milk, sans sugar, sans nothing. Just me, a black-ass coffee and one mother of a craving. I bet she can tell I'm about to scrape some wood shavings off my desk, roll up all my Post-Its and light up right here and now. Hey, don't look at me bitch...YOU brought me the bloody coffee. And we all know what black coffee does to a craving. You did it on purpose you f*$#%(* c*#$. I'll get you for this in the dark of the night when you and your brood are sleeping. I'll use nail clippers to dig out all your internal organs, you sorry excuse for a human. I swear I will. No, i'm not stressed. What? I'm not! But I will resist. I nearly fainted at the gym yesterday because ...

I'm 26 I think I'm weird Those who know me tend to agree I’m a dare devil You name it; I’ve done it or would do it I still keep a diary Even though its hardly ever updated I’ve thought of ending my life But I could never go through with it It would shatter my dad That is probably my only selfless thought I love sex with women Although I have never been in love with anyone I’ve only ever been in one relationship With a guy We hardly ever saw each other I lost my virginity at 19 To him Hated it So I abstained for another 2.5 years I’m a couch potato I’m pathologically unable to keep in touch But I still insist on getting pen pals They only last about 3 weeks 24 Hour Party is the worst (docu-)movie ever It just edges out Muholland Drive on suck-points I used to read a lot of novels And live in chat rooms Till I got a real job I’ve always been the best in all my math classes I have a Masters degree in Computer Science I’ll swap it for your MBA I’m Cameroonian I grew up in Europe an...