Life in the mad house

My Auntie dearest must have been suffering from temporary insanity when in a moment of weakness she agreed (!?!?!) to have every single cousin, second cousin, and cousin's friend we know (or don't know) come spend a week or two with us.

This means I’m now sardined with 11 kids between the ages of 10 months and 14 years in a tiny three-bedroom apartment (four really, but one is used as a storeroom). There is always someone in the fridge and grocery shopping is a joke coz these kids throw down (eat) like there's no tomorrow. 8 baguettes, 6 litres of milk, 20 eggs. Every. Goddamned. Day.
And that’s just breakfast.

The crying, the biting, the fighting, the screeching - my ears have threatened to find a new body. So I get home from work, change into something more comfortable and just go loiter at a friend's till I know the little boogers are snoring in their beds. Yesterday, I came back after 11 and 10 of them were still awake, still running about and still fucking screeching.

The worst part about my home experience, the thing that makes me want to find a nice spot to bang my head repeatedly - is masturbating. I sleep on the bottom bunk in the smallest room. The top bunk, which is usually empty, is now occupied by 3 little hoodlums. That bunk creaks like crazy. And it doesn’t help that the 3 kids on the top bunk move about like they're wrestling with a giant croc. It’s the older kids that are up there. I think they'll know orgasmic sounds when they hear it. So there I was, trying to take care of ma bizniz, with kids whispering and giggling on top of me and a squeaking bunk.

They eventually fell asleep, I found a position that almost stopped the squeaking, my fingers found their way down there and....ahhh, life was as it should be.

They'd better go away come weekend otherwise the cops would have to come scour the area in search of kid-sized body parts.

Sex! I need more sex!!
But I'll settle for quiet alone time with myself and maybe a toy or two.
Bottom line - I think I need to move out.
Right fucking now.