Moi

This is me

AND

I guess everyone does now.

I might as well just put up my phone number and address while i'm at it.

Don't ask me what was going on with my hair becuase I havent got a clue.

Music is the food of love

I cant believe i just typed out that title. Oouch. It makes me wince. Who says shit like that in this day age. Well, me, apparently. Wait...or was it 'the spice of life'?

Anyway, had a point so I'll get to it.

Music is so beautiful. I’m incredibly inspired right now and I don’t inspire easily. It gives you goosebumps, it makes you want to scream, it makes you want to laugh and it can make you dissolve into a pool of tears. It sounds better than the taste of chocolate ice cream, than the feel of satin sheets against your naked skin, than the smell of spring. What can I say; it’s just fucking beautiful. If love feels like how this song sounds right now I can understand why people lose their minds and get their brain washed, tumbled dried and handed back to them by the love of their lives.

I’ve been listening to a couple U2 and Cranberries songs through my new headphones and paying special attention to the harmonies. I can’t sing for shit, so I’m awestruck when melodies just come together and make me lose control of the tiny hairs on the back of my neck.

But I’ll have you know I’m not completely without talent. I can play Happy Birthday with one finger on a toy keyboard and almost sing it too, if I dare say so myself.

I also happen to be an extremely fickle person. Tomorrow I’ll read this post and wonder what the fuck I’ve been smoking because these songs might suddenly seem like quintessential acoustic mediocrity. Or even worse, like long fingernails against a chalkboard. I s'pose its different strokes for different folks. Or in my case, different smokes.

The songs I’ve currently got on repeat:

U2 – Walk On
Cranberries – Empty
U2 – In a little while
Linkin Park - Breaking the habit

Its rather diverse, but if you hate them - get yourself checked out. Freak.

Hi

Yet Another Monday.
Mondays. They keep on comin’, don’t they? Week after week. What’s up with that?

Stockholm now seems like a distant memory even though my luggage only actually appeared yesterday. Air France has this tendency of losing my luggage every single time. You’d think it was deliberate. I say burn ‘em down. Let them accidentally navigate themselves into the Eiffel Tower for all I care. South African Airways is the only way to fly: Once you go SAA, you’ll go no other way. Right. Clearly no one should trust me with their advertising campaign. Moving on…

Me: Sweden was nice.
Friend: Nice??? Did you say NICE??? Tea is nice! Summer is nice! The old lady down the street is nice! Sweden? Fantabulastic!
Me: Uh, ok. If you say so.

Truth be told it was just an average trip. Nice to get away from the office, meet new people and visit a new city, but I wouldn’t want to live there. Its a little too dull for me. Just not enough action, and ya'll know I’m all about the action! Perhaps I was just hanging out in the wrong places or the visit was too short to really get the most of what the city has to offer since I stayed in within the confines of my hotel half the time, ordering room service and Pay TV. I innocently opted to actually pay for quality TV just to get assaulted with an array of XXX hetero porn (lets see what kind of Google hits I get now). Porn holds my attention for about 5 minutes and then it gets old, and frankly just plain gross. But they just HAD to devote three of the 7 Pay TV channels to it, didn’t they. Because obviously everyone who comes to that hotel is just dying to have sex and/or jerk off the whole the freaking day.

In between the 8-5 working hours, I managed to sneak in some sightseeing, good dining and ...well, a little hottie-ogling. There are actually tons of dark heads in Sweden. Who knew? Strangely enough, the object of my affection was Christine, my cute Italian-American colleague from New Jersey, not a hot Swedish blonde thing. Also, I quickly figured out it's a misconception that everyone in Sweden is blonde and hot because there are just as many darkheads and..um...well, a few unsightly individuals as well. I guess the difference is the Swedish blondes are extremely pale with almost-white eyebrows and lashes. Yeah I noticed. I was looking.

Nothing extraordinary happened though. Just did normal touristy stuff, didn't go to any girls only bars (couldn’t find any), I met some interesting people, went on a ferry down the river/lake thingy, went to a mini amusement park (will I ever outgrow those rides?), had a picnic with colleagues from different parts of the globe and visited my company HQ which happens to be in Sweden (there’s a special prize for anyone who can guess which well known company I work for).

The night before I left, my very lastest night in Sweden, we decided to go and spend all our leftover money on a sumptuous dinner a la Swedish. I think it was the most expensive restaurant in the entire country. You know the kind where they plop half a teaspoon of icecream in the centre of a large plate, sprinkle and squirt stuff all over the place and call it dessert, then charge you exorbitant prices for it. And all you're thinking is "You're kidding, right? I need binoculars just to see the food!"Probably like 100 Kronors (9 Euros) per square cm. Maybe it was special designer ice cream made from unicorn milk. Anyhow, credit to them, the entire 3 course meal was so delicious I was tempted to eat up my fork just to ensure i get every last drop.

We were like the United Nations at that dinner table: Hot New Jersey Girl, Simon from Dublin, Irwan from Indonesia, Fari from Nigeria etc etc... Spent time fondly arguing what Swedish sounded like and finally agreed it was a cross between German and Korean. The waitress was amazing, filling up our glasses as soon as we set it down. Having been a waitress myself once upon a time, i fully appreciate good service. So naturally, being the generous crowd we are, we tipped her like 30%. Then we were all kind of astounded to discover that if you add 30% on a very large bill you get a very VERY large bill.

I took lots of pictures with someone else’s Camera because I left mine at home. He promised to email them to me. He'd better or else... Simon - I know your name. And I know where you live. I'm watching you man. Like a hawk.

The weather was good though, not hot, but not freezing. Was semi-dark (never completely dark, I thought that was totally weird) - dusklike between 11pm- 2am before the sun started coming out again.

Nice experience though. Fun. Different. Interesting. And one more city I can check off my list. Unfortunately it was never on it.

*sigh*
I guess its back to work as usual then.

Checking in

You may (or not) have noticed I've been kinda scarce lately.
That's because I've been out of my office the whole bloody week.

I spent it traipsing across the country, doing meetings and stuff and feeling grossly inadequate. I wouldn't even know where to start recapping, or how to accurately describe the weirdness that was last week. So lets just say it involved strange little village towns, a flooded sub-standard motel room and picking up what was left of my ego and self esteem after tripping over some cables during a presentation.

How on earth did I get this job? No seriously. I guess the real question is: How the fuck do I keep it???? In between shuffling my feet and picking my nose with this blank stare on my face that says "What? who, me? you were talking to me??" its a miracle i still come in day after day. I guess i must be doing something right. Or maybe i just know lots of people in high places.

Two years ago I would've rolled around pissing myself laughing at the idea of being remotely involved in Sales in any capacity whatsoever, let alone a manager. On my best day I couldn't sell water for 10 cents to rich tourists stranded in the Sahara. At what I get paid I'm supposed to be at the cutting edge of my trade. HA! Right...

Anyhow, it'll be another week before i post anything since I'm off to Sweden tomorrow. I could never pass up on yet another opportunity to suck at my job. Oh, and don't forget about the babes!...all the gorgeous hottylicious Swedish babes!

Got loads of shit to do before I leave so i gotta get cracking...

Ta ta for now.
That’s something my MSc supervisor used to say.
God, the dude is soooo gay. He just doesn’t know it yet.

Till next week Fri…

Life in the mad house

My Auntie dearest must have been suffering from temporary insanity when in a moment of weakness she agreed (!?!?!) to have every single cousin, second cousin, and cousin's friend we know (or don't know) come spend a week or two with us.

This means I’m now sardined with 11 kids between the ages of 10 months and 14 years in a tiny three-bedroom apartment (four really, but one is used as a storeroom). There is always someone in the fridge and grocery shopping is a joke coz these kids throw down (eat) like there's no tomorrow. 8 baguettes, 6 litres of milk, 20 eggs. Every. Goddamned. Day.
And that’s just breakfast.

The crying, the biting, the fighting, the screeching - my ears have threatened to find a new body. So I get home from work, change into something more comfortable and just go loiter at a friend's till I know the little boogers are snoring in their beds. Yesterday, I came back after 11 and 10 of them were still awake, still running about and still fucking screeching.

The worst part about my home experience, the thing that makes me want to find a nice spot to bang my head repeatedly - is masturbating. I sleep on the bottom bunk in the smallest room. The top bunk, which is usually empty, is now occupied by 3 little hoodlums. That bunk creaks like crazy. And it doesn’t help that the 3 kids on the top bunk move about like they're wrestling with a giant croc. It’s the older kids that are up there. I think they'll know orgasmic sounds when they hear it. So there I was, trying to take care of ma bizniz, with kids whispering and giggling on top of me and a squeaking bunk.

They eventually fell asleep, I found a position that almost stopped the squeaking, my fingers found their way down there and....ahhh, life was as it should be.

They'd better go away come weekend otherwise the cops would have to come scour the area in search of kid-sized body parts.

Sex! I need more sex!!
But I'll settle for quiet alone time with myself and maybe a toy or two.
Bottom line - I think I need to move out.
Right fucking now.

Yay sweden!

I'll skip over my completely mediocre weekend which involved two guys trying to feel me up, at the same time I might add, no girl-on-girl (girl-on-me) action and a cat-sized rat (i said i wont go there).

Anywayz, last nite i rediscovered a shooter i havent had since my varsity (college for the Americans among you) days appropriately named "Women's Revenge".
Its Amerula (Irish Cream) and some kind of lemonadey thing. Totally curdles in your mouth, a bit like how a blow job would taste. It makes you think eeeww/yum/puke! all at the same time.

Moving on to this morning: I just learnt I'm going to Stockholm on a week long business trip next week Friday. My very first business trip. Sweeeeeet! Its going to be so cool just to repeat it...
"So you wanna hang out on Friday?"
"Love to but i cant"
"Cmon why not, It'll be fun!"
"I know, but I'll be in Sweden on a business trip"
Then i'd heave a huge sigh like I've so had it with these business trips.

heehee. I'm so lame.

Listening to U2 - Walk On
I'm really feeling U2 this morning. They've never sounded better.
I'm so unstressed. It's a strange but totally amazing feeling.
I'm happy. Can you tell?
You'd think i got laid.

TGIF

TGIF - Thank God Its Friday
Whoopiedoop!!!
In my private universe, thinking is illegal on Fridays (and Mondays and Tuesdays and....)
So brace yourself for some mindless banter...

*********
What mischief will I get myself into this weekend?
The "getting wasted and wondering how i made it into my bed" routine is so old.
I think I'll stay in this weekend to contemplate my sins.
Hahahaha. Right.

*********
Gosh I could really use broadband at home.
Heck, I'd settle for narrowband even.
Any kind of band has got to be better than no band.

*********
I've got this sneaking suspicion someone in my office is reading this blog.
I'm getting hits from within this building.
Michel - If its you reading this I COMMAND YOU TO STOP THIS INSTANT! OR ELSE...
or else what??
Darn.
TGIF. This Girl Is Fucked.
If you read yesterday's post, you'd realise I dont mean literally.
What to do. My blogging is severly compromised.
If this is my last post, you know why:
I was fired, overdosed on shame or forced my head through a paper shredder.

Nah, but Michel is cool.
I'd rather he (YOU, yes You, you sneaky eavesdropping fuck!) didnt read it, but if someone in my office had to, i'd rather it was him.

*********
I gotta blog what happened this afternoon.
It was the weirdest thing.
Some of these people I work with are so fucking thick it makes me weep. ( erm, not you michel)
I'm the Sales Manager in company A.
I call up this woman who is the procurement person in company B. I ask her if I can send a driver to come pick up the Purchase Order for all she shit she promised to buy.
She says she's in a meeting now.
I say, well is it ready for collection? She says no.
I say no problem since its Friday 5pm anyway we'll talk more on monday. She says ok.
I say fine, bye.

Then i realise her accent was sounding different today. It was the way she said 'bye'. It sounded like 'buoy'. So I look at my phone and realise I dialled the wrong number and the lady i spoke to was actually this French chick in another department in company B.

So in short, I had just had a conversation with , well basically, someone's ass.
I mean, that must be it.
How else do you explain me having this, in my opinion, meaningful discussion with someone who doesnt having a friggin clue of what im going on about??
I could have said: you look like shit
her answer? yes
wanna have phone sex? ok
want me fuck off now? no

I told everyone in my office.
The guys were all in stitches for laughing their ass off.

Colleague 1: Well, she's French
Colleague 2: No, she's retarded
Colleague 1: That's what i said

*************
Righty Ho. Let me go get a life.
Laterz.

Unfortunately, the answer is no

Dibs.
Interesting character that one.

As it turns out, she knows i have the hots for her and goes to great lengths to let me know that she knows:
the way she licks off the wine rolling down the side of her glass
the way she holds my gaze till i look away
the way she touches my thigh ever so gently when she's talking
the way she giggles and says "oh stop it" when i say something silly

god, what a tease.
or perhaps its just that my senses are so heightened when i'm with her

i think she is gay-curious.
and i was happy to indulge her
so...
i walked her home
we parked in front of the tv in the dark to sober up
then i kissed her.
the kind of kiss apparently made famous by the French.

unless it was only a very nice dream, i believe she kissed me back

still, somehow i ended up in my own bed.
alone.
I knew I should have shoved more of the Bailey's/white wine/that_weird_green_stuff down her throat.

so, i have nothing left to do but resort to cheesy cliches:
i may have lost the battle, but not the war.
even though it was only one little step for me, it was one giant step for my kind.

one of these days I'll get her

just for messing with my mind.

Consumerism

Today's title.
Is that even a real word?
Spell Checker doesn't think so.
but what does Spell Checker know anyway
dammit IS a word, dammit!

Anywayz...i was going somewhere with this.
Im pretty sure I had a point when i started out this post.
A clear objective.
Nah, who am i kidding.
I didnt. Do i ever.
I feel like Ellen the Forgetful Fish in Finding Nemo...what was her name again?
You know the part....in the beginning, when she's showing Nemo's dad which way he went when she starts running away coz she thinks he's stalking her....

Consumerism...
Where was i headed with this?

Clearly I'm too lazy to actually write anything that makes sense today so.... I swiped this off these guys. (Please, please don't sue me!!! )

Some 'interesting' yet REAL consumer labels:
Does that have anything to do with consumerism? Do I even care?

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

Thank god for warning labels. Where would we be without 'em?




***************
BTW, I'm goin out with a certain Debbie aka Dibs¹ 2nite.
She's seeing someone.
a guy.
who cares
I'm frisky and I'm on the prowl.
Grrrrrrr

She WILL put out.

^{1. We call her Dibs coz everyone has dibs on her}.