ZZZZZzzzzzzz

I have this irrepressible urge to go out and actively seek and destroy the asswipe who invented the alarm clock. If he's dead, my wrath will be passed on to his children and their children's children ad infinitum.

At the moment of his brainwave he didn't realise he would be irreversibly ruining perfectly decent excuses for coming to work late: “The dog was supposed to lick me awake and he didn’t! Blame the dog.” or "What? It was raining! How could I wake up when it was raining!".

This morning, like every morning, my extremely rude awakening consisted of an earpopping screeching alarm sound resulting in an involuntary groan interjected by a few choice words and a flying object now a pile of unrecognizable grit on the floor, all serving as a daily reminder of why I have “sleep early, dumbass” on my To Do lists.

I need 6 full hours of sleep to operate in any capacity remotely qualifying as normal. A minute less and I'm a zombie ready to star in a Michael Jackson thriller remake or just one hell of a Bitch. Well, more of a bitch than usual anyway.

Waking me up before my daily sleep quota is up is a full time job not for the fainthearted (cue in Mission Impossible soundtrack). I've slept through my bro sneaking onto the top bunk and falling off when he was a little kid and through the commotion as he was rushed to the hospital; I've slept through my Aunt’s room burning down, the fire brigade rushing in and the only reason I realised any of it happened was because I got accidentally splashed with water from the hose as I was whisked out of the house hanging off someone's shoulder still fast asleep; I've slept through fire drills at university although the fire alarm was just outside my dorm room. I nearly got KICKED out of my forth year for excessive bunking.

If I know I'm going to get less than 6 hours my bedtime routine involves setting my Once Off phone alarm, my Recurring phone alarm, my radio alarm clock and depending on how late it is, I sleep in front of the TV with the TV on. Sometimes that makes me sleep a little lighter. Usually though, I still manage to turn off everyone one of the alarms with frightening dexterity with my eyes barely open. I have tried selotaping the ‘off’ button on my alarm clock, but clearly that was just plain dumb. It reminds me off my fat friend who used to selotape the chips in the kitchen she shared with her roommate to discourage herself from pigging out on her roommate's goodies. Not much good that did her.

I've slept on a hard cold tiled floor thinking that would help me sleep lighter when I'm desperate not to be late for something, although I crept in from the clubs at 3 am. All I get for my troubles is a back pain from hell in the morning and still find out someone had turned off the alarm while I was sleeping. And even though I was alone in the house, I could swear it wasnt me.

Ideally I need 6 hours. After 6 hours a single frighteningly loud, irritating and unreachable - without getting out of bed - alarm clock will do the job. It takes about 8 hrs for me to wake up without any obvious external influences.

I want to have a full and active social life, going to bed at whatever hour it pleases me and waking up as bright and bushy tailed as the people I go out with. I'm sick and tired of my perpetual tardiness. I'm fed up of responding to "you look so tired" in the morning.

So, I’ve decided I’m getting my comatose ass professionally checked out. But I have a feeling the verdict will be: "You just need to make sure you get enough sleep".
No shit. Gimme my money back.