Dating Me

Even if i was Out, no one seems good enough for me. Where are all the world's cool people? Where are all the funky uber awesome girlies? Is there like NO ONE out of Sydney or NY that is gay AND cool AND smart?? Is that like way too much to ask? You don't even have to be hot!! Ok, wait, i take that back...AND hot! Now, i know i'm doomed to a life of compromising and settling for second best because it seems what i want is not out there. And definitely not out here.

Wait! Brainwave! What i want is ME.

Ah yes. Me. If i saw me in a bar i'd be all over me in a flash. Only problem is I wouldn't know how to approach me and me would be too cool to approach I. So me and I would be flirting from afar, downing a few drinks desperately trying to get to that happy flirty mental zone.

Like any other relationship we'd have our ups and downs, but because i'm so cool there will many more ups. I'm aloof, i'm independent i'm extreme, i'm funny, i'm weird, i'm crazy, i'm smart, i'm cute and i'm oh-so-sweet.

I wouldnt miss a chance to go out with my dream girl- me.
Coz I love me.

Ahem...

Ok, i've snapped out of it. What was that? Love Letter To Self? Damn, that was a load of selfworshiping egostroking horseshit. Since when did i become so cheezy?

I might as well go off and masturbate. That's the best way to show my love to me.

Letting out steam

ARRGGGGH!!! I JUST WANNA FUCKING SCREAM!!!

FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKK! FUCK, I HATE THIS COUNTRY! I HATE MY LIFE!!!
I wanna go to some island somewhere with a population of 45 where i'd be surrounded with hot baywatch chicks with brains to match the bods instead of sitting here in 30 degrees celcius day in day out, doing invoices and fucking crap while my boss jerks off next door and my dad fucking calls me everyday like i'm five years old.

Fuck i hate my family, preaching about church and "you gotta have faith" ... well take your faith and shove it up your crack (erm..I still love you mom!). FUCK African tradditions like distributing your first salary and the fucking precise way it has to be done like i give a flying rats ass whether its better to buy congac or whiskey for the uncle i havent seen since i was 5. "No! You can't organise a dinner...thats not how things are done here, this is not Europe" DO I LOOK LIKE I FUCKING CARE???

I hate the stoopid people meet daily with an IQ of 6.5 who never made it into the first grade and want to be bribed for every little thing. No wonder people say black people are thicker than the rest...fucking retarded fucks only thinking of themselves and their fat bellies and how to screw the next person over.

I fucking hate the fact that i have two moms fighting all the time like its my fault my dad knocked up my mom and left her to go marry a psycho bitch who i had to live with. I cant help but love her coz she's all i know as a mom and she has a kind heart even though i swear she fucking fell on her head when she was a little kid and lost the plot. YOU TWO BETTER SORT YOUR SHIT OUT coz i'm tired of having occasions and you two steal my thunder and practically mudfight coz u dont get along. I swear you're both not coming to my wedding if i ever have one.

I hate the fact that my Aunt is holding a thanksgiving mass that i have to go to. And whats the thanks for? HER life! Not OUR lives even. She wants me to drive for 4 fucking hours to attend some shitty Mass because she's thanking an imaginary friend for her life???? Am i in a twilight zone here? She is a raving lunatic who sole purpose in life right now is to frustrate me and make me look like a pathetic loser because i'm not as perfect as her little girl. Well I'm not Tgirl, and I'll never be T, and thank GOD too, coz T fell off her rocker ages ago. I love myself just the way i am faults and all. T? Well I love T even though she is 22 but acts like she's 45 and is all about studies,church, cell groups and reading the bible. If thats what life is about then, i'm sorry, i'm checkin out here and now. and im ecstatic i'll NEVER BE T. Good thing too, otherwise i'll have to grow up in my Aunts house waking up to the screeching of her voice at 6:30 am fucking hollering about nothing and the bleating doesnt stop unless she's shoving food in her face.

FUCK the lawmakers who decided homosexuality was illegal. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU assholes???? How is who I fuck any your freaking business?? huh? huh? Do you see me invading your space and bitching about the way you ass fuck your wife? I hope some homo teaches you stupid cocksucking prick a lesson in MINDING YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS by giving you a deep-ass-fuck and then sucking the cum out of your asshole with a crazy straw then spitting the cum-shit cocktail in your ugly bigot face.

ARRGGGG. Let me go and hide all the knives before I slit my wrists. FUCK YOU!!!!!!

In the closet

Gosh. Yesterday i finally realised how in the closet i was and if i didnt do anything about it (like leave town, or the country, or the planet...) I'd be miserable for the rest of my life. I was having lunch old with friends (ok, not quite friends, more like really good aquaintances) from my Christian boarding high school. I was looked at with shock and disgust like i was some kind of a unredeemable sinner simbly because I didnt bow my head in prayer before diving into my plate of spaghetti.

Fine. I can live with that. I can stay away from people with tiny brains and a limited scope of the world and its people. But then, we started talking about homosexuality. I thought i'd seen disgust before? These girls were like they wouldnt even want to be on the same side of the street as a gay guy or girl. Not only is it against God's Will but totally unatural and despicable and you might as well fuck a duck or bang a gang while you're at it (ok they didnt actually say ALL of that, but yeah) .

Simple solution to a simple problem you might think: Come out of the closet - about both lack of faith and ambiguous sexuality. Nah. You dont live in Cameroon. Those fucking demented bigot freaks could get you thrown in jail for being gay.

Howz that International Space Station coming along? That just might save my sanity, if not my life.

Its MY office. Mine, mine, MINE!

So this is me quietly going about my business...actually doing REAL work for a change in my nice naturally lit office, and the guys INSIST on walking by, but not before pausing to question me about my light, or rather, lack thereof . NO. I don't need you to switch on my light....and no, its not "totally dark in there", and i'm definitely not "trying to save the company a few pennies". I like it like this and i can see perfectly well thank you very much. Besides, that thing streaming in through the windows? Well its called SUNLIGHT. No Michel, I thought we went over this yesterday... Looky here Neil, why dont you run off to your little office and brighten up your own miserable world. Dude, not you too...fuck off already!

You know, I really hate the fact that its company norm to keep your door open when you're in your office. I think I'm going to have to slam it in someone's face.

Yet another poetic (or not) rant

I'm feeling goddamn poetic
So i'll have to rant and rave
Like a fucking heretic
Who God could never save

His Kingdom i hope i miss
Coz i hate his guts anyway
For making me have to kiss
His lame ass everyday

The difference between us
Is i dont care to whom u pray
As long as u dont make a fuss
When i decide to keep away

All i want is freedom
To do all that i please
Without some twofaced evangelist
Forcing me to my knees

This poem just plain sucks.
Lets try a limmerick instead

guys, you wake up every day
and your church asks you to say
"Jesus my lover"
over and over
your god must be fucking gay

The Return of The Boss

Ooh ooh ooooh! Got a new expat boss today. Actually we were pretty boss-less before he came in (we are a small branch of a huge multi-national company, all Managers in our own domain) so normally, the atmosphere is quite informal. He's been here like what? Five minutes? yet the mood is already somber. We just had one of those corporate talks where the boss establishes his authority by disscussing "where we are headed" frequently interjected by words like "deliverables" and "goals" and stuff. Sheesh. What ever happened to NORMAL working environments where you get to spend the hours chatting online, blogging and wistfully checking out the weather in Thailand???

Bliss

Today i brushed my teeth. Like I do every morning. Ok, just lost about half of my 0 readers right there. 0/2 = 0 so i guess i'm no worse off. Fuck my job is boring! Not like i'd go home and be more entertained. Spent last nite watching TV with my Aunt. Watching erm .... white ... no wait grey ... no ... its black! smoke errupt from the vatican. Rivetting viewing. But thank god my baby cousin's shrieking stepped right in to save the day and provide me with an alternative distraction. The cutest thing you've ever seen but boy-oh-boy does he have one hell of shriek! Ah, can't wait to go home for another thrilling evening with the family.

I think I need to move out. NOW. If nothing else, at least then i'd have dibs on the TV remote.

Pucker up!

C'mon ye mere mortals. Lets see those lips!

Rapture has come...and gone

Give up, sin and be merry!

Shakespear is stoned

Here's a poem for the hell of it
Its not smart or clever or full of wit
Its just a reason for me to sit
On my big butt for a little bit

So bear with me while I ramble on
Before you know it'll soon be done
A few more verses just for fun
Then this silly rhyming will be gone

If i had a love I'd write a love letter
But since I don't i'll have to think up better
If i had a hate I'd curse and I'd swear
But since i'm a saint i wouldnt dare

So i'll write about nothing. Its what i do best
Instead of working i'm taking a rest
Being paid shitloads, but using up the hours
Writing dumb poems and dreaming of super powers

Here's to you, you blogging skank:
You scum of the earth, oh how your shit stank!
Erm.. I guess its time for me to stop
Coz clearly my rhyming has started to flop

With this last verse, there's just enough lines to say
Tomorrow is a brand new day
I'll be back with another pointless post
Till then, i raise my glass to you in a toast

Swearing. A necessary evil

Sometimes there’s no other way to say it.

There are times you find yourself in a situation that one or two choice words would have saved the day, and just as they are about to roll off your tongue you somehow manage to garner some self-restraint that would have amazed even your dead granny.

Perhaps you are deeply religious and would never swear lest the Lord smite you where you stand.
Perhaps you just never got into it because you didn’t grow up swearing and as you got older you only hung around clean-mouthed geeks.
Perhaps you express yourself eloquently because you were brought up like royalty.
Perhaps you’re just a freak.

Either way, you must have said shit if not FUCK, damn if not Godammit, dear lord if not JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!

And work doesn’t count coz everyone is sweeter than golden syrup at the office (except maybe the boss). I’m talking socially.

Which one of these are you?

He is not nice
vs
He is a sick bastard
vs
He is a fucking cokesnorting asswipe

What was my point? erm... i had a point? Ah yes, in conclusion ladies, gentlemen and the transgendered pansies of the fucked up cyberworld, my point was i dont swear. Never ever. And neither should you.

The dead pope

The pope is dead. FINALLY! Don't get me wrong, i wasn't sitting around impatiently awaiting his demise, but there was an inevitablity about the outcome of the months (years?) of his illhealth.

If you watched CNN/BBC/Sky news during 48 hours leading up to his death you will understand what i'm talking about. "The pope's health is 'grave' ", "his electrocardiogram is flat", "the pope has flatlined!", "his liver and heart have failed"... then hours later "the pope's liver and heart have deteriorated" (how they deteriorated after they failed is anyone's guess).

The news coverage was a second by second account of the papal hearbeat, a rumour-driven live update of every failing organ. I wish my dying moments could be witnessed by millions of people wailing at the thought of my impending doom. On second thoughts...I'll pass. A nice eulogy after the fact will do just fine... "She was an inspiration to everyone she met, loved by the human race and a role model for all the world's people..." *sigh* oh well. I guess it just wasnt meant to be.

So what does the pope mean to me? About as much as the nice old flower guy down the street. That night, my mom wanted me to go to church. I wanted to go clubbing. Think about it, in the grand scheme of things, club or church, it really doesn't make any difference. The sun will still rise every morning, the old guy down the street will continue to sell his lillies, a giant asteroid still has a slim chance of colliding with earth in 2014, and yes - the pontiff will still be dead. So, to the club i went.

The pope was probably a really nice dude and quite a looker in his day, probably made lots of hopeful people feel better about their empty, pointless lives, but frankly he's about as divine and infallible as Bill Clinton. Although i concede he's probably a little more prudish. If you're reading this and your veins are still throbbing, almost popping out of your reddened and swollen eyes because you were weeping bucketloads for the pontiff, get a new hobby. I'm glad CNN has.

May he rest in peace.

My first post

I'm a happy camper. Generally. Except when i'm faced with homophobic, evangelical, dolt hypochrites. So, I'm pretty much here to bitch, whine, fume, vent ... and the rest of that good stuff. Here's todays rant.

Question:
Whats the meaning of your life since you don't believe in God?

Response:
Take 1.
God? Utter claptrap. 'The meaning of life'??? Whats that? A code for a-pathetic-excuse-to-justify-your-hapless-and-pointless-little-existence? You 'divine' the answer to an unknowable question (ie how we came about) and then you and your bigot ilk fabricate stories that just happen to be congenial to your skewed point of view, compile some of them into a book and call it The Bible. Some other little holier-than-thou pricks dream up their own even more twisted version and call it the Qu'ran. Now, unless the whole world swallows up this codswallop and walks around like zombies spreading The Word, their life has no meaning? Puh-lease.

Take 2.
Well, i say that just to piss people off. The truth is i'm unsure about God's existence or non-existence in the absence of what I consider irrefutable proof. And i resent anyone having a personal validation (through some apparition/life changing experience) of their faith and expecting me to just share their belief and enthusiasm.

Assuming he existed and he did infact send this Jesus dude who happens to be his only son to save you from yourself. So freaking what? For the rest of my life i'm supposed to suck up, rejoice, kiss ass and be greatful? Bow down and lick the boots that gave me breadth? What's with the vanity? And this is supposed to make my life meaningful?

Faith? I have faith that Santa is not only real, but real skinny too. Doesn't matter what is fact or what you tell me, coz i got Faith.

So basically, life has no meaning. Life just is so deal with it. Enjoy it the best way you can. Treat your fellow man/woman with respect and all will be well with you.

Christians have their head so far up God's ass their heads are popping out through his Holy nostrils. Why? Because of the promise of enternal life? Or is it in fear of paroleless eternal damnation?

I may not know why i'm here, why i'm alive, if such a reason even exists. But i sure hope its not because of some weird, vain, scary dude playing me like a pawn in a chess game.

Take 3.
That other one too long for you? Oh well then bugger off and leave me alone.

Chinese is waaay cool

Experiment

Objective: Translate from English to Traditional Chinese. Translate the Chinese translation back to English. All using an online translator eg worldlingo.com

Requirements: A computer, at least one finger, be a pathetic loser who has no life.

This is English
You miserable lump of meat, I can't believe you actually translated this stuff. You my dear freak are in desperate need of a new hobby. Are you really still reading this gibberish? Frankly, i think there is no hope for you. Just go lie down on your bed and don't even bother getting up again. Ever. Hold on a minute, maybe the joke is on me because i'm the one sitting here typing out this crap?

This is Chinese

您肉淒慘的團, 我無法相信您實際上翻譯了這種材料。 您我親愛的畸形人是急需一個新愛好。 您真正地是平靜讀這席亂語嗎? 坦率地, 我認為沒有對您的希望。 請去躺下在您的床上, 甚而不麻煩再起來。 曾經。 舉行在一分鐘, 可能笑話是在我因為我是那個坐這裡鍵入在這胡扯之外?

This is English

Your meat pitiful group, I am unable to believe you have translated this kind of material infact. Your my dear abnormal person urgently needs a new hobby. Youtruly are tranquilly read this chaotic language? Frankly, I do not think to your hope. Please lies down on yours bed, Even not the troublesome recurrence comes. Once. Hold in a minute, The possible joke is in me because I am that seat here beside entertalks nonsense in this?

Moral of the story
a.k.a Conclusion
Don't use an online translator for anything more than "How are you?" and possibly "you little freakish maggot" because, albeit modified, they do seem to carry across some insults pretty well :)