Divine Miscontent

Does marriage mean abandoning your friends? Does it mean giving up your independence and individuality? Is it a license for you to be a psycho bitch to those who care about you and your social life? And what's the deal with all the WE…. We this, we that…how about just I ….just one fucking I . As in I went to the toilet. One of my closest friends just got hitched. And I’m not liking it. Not one bit. Suddenly its Phil this and Phil that and Phil doesn’t think we should go out tonight… Well, PHIL: I used to see her about twice a week when we would go on our lunch break together, or catch a movie or a drink or two after work. She’s been married a month but I haven’t seen her once since the blessed event. Understandably they may still be honeymooning and between the marathon sexcapades and working to pay the bills there isn’t much time for anything else. I’m an understanding person and “I was having sex” is indeed a valid excuse for absolutely everything under the sun. It would be o...

STRESSSSSSS!! Fuck i'm stressed. I'm on my third ciggie (that means going down a million stairs and outside into the rain and gale force winds) and third cup of black coffee. My phone is ringing off the hook and i'm having double vision. Our client has left everything till the last minute and now they are stressing me out big time to come up with a million reports, proposals and the rest of that crap. BEFORE 5pm. WTF?? !??? They are our only client. They call, we run. But i got bigger fish whales to fry. They owe us loads of money so we cant pay our debts and the tax officers are knocking on our door. In addition, big bloopers from our sister/mother company in South Africa means we owe customs millions of $$$ in fines because we didnt follow the rules of importation. if we dont pay by Friday they are SHUTTING US DOWN even though its SAs fault. We are a tiny subsidiary office, a few million in debt and we are going under. Right now I'm just going to chill out at my desk...

I woke up fresh and perky this morning after a weekend of blissful nothingness. My aunt, her hubby and their kids spent the weekend away (yay!) at her mom's. There was no "you really need to stop smoking" every single time I lit up, with me thinking why is this conversation so familiar? Oh yeah, that’s right, we had it 5 minutes ago. No having to sit though their new shared passion: kicking back and watching golf all weekend - BOooooring! They're only in their mid-thirties but they've obviously been slapped in the ass by the Old Married Couple Syndrome. Ah, nothing like a weekend left to my own devises. I just stayed in, did my long overdue laundry (i was already deep into my reserve of stringy and seam-less 20 year old undies), I preened, cut my nails and watched a gazillion DVDs. I particularly enjoyed Hitch . 2 words for you: Eva Mendez. Need I say more? YUMMAY! Especially in those glasses. When you have your own place, personal space is something you take for...

I got coerced into attending an acquaintance’s friend’s dinner party last night. Normally I would decline such an invitation because – well because I’m a hapless loner who loves to grovel in self-pity eating ice cream in my bathtub and wondering why I have no real friends and then turn down any invitations to go out. No not really, getting hammered with near-strangers is one thing…trying to have a meaningful conversation at a dinner table amongst a group of friends who all know each other and have an assortment of insider jokes is a ridicule I refuse to endure. Again. But I suppose the lack of social contact outside the hair pulling from my “charming” cousins and the fact that I haven’t strayed from the work-home routine for 2 weeks now was enough to let me tempt fate. To my relief this time it was different. Even though I barely know the person who invited me to the party not to mention the host, after a couple glasses of wine that was all academic because the host proclaimed mi casa ...

I'm slacking off here big time. How do people do it? BLOG EVERY SINGLE DAY. I've got shit to say but no time to say it. Yet some people do this consistently, every single day for years with only the occasional sick leave. Anyway. I haven't been out in weeks. I mean out out. I'm even experiencing withdrawal symtoms now. I don't think my body can handle these unprecedented levels of alcohol. They havent been so low since i got off the bottle. I think that's the cause of this rash on my hand. so..... I'm off to fix my situation.

My boss just walked into my office and demanded that "we" (meaning me) go over some extremely complicated proposal he would like for "us" (still only me) to formulate and submit today. This is for a huge deal we are trying to secure....Its 5:30pm ON FRIDAY. Just after I miraculously survived a 4 hour seminar from hell, with an instructor that must have been speaking in tongues for all I heard. Please tell me, do i have SLAVE DRIVER on my face? No? Look closely, because there is no other explanation for this insanity. I looked like i was going to fall off my chair and start spewing out my lunch with deadly precision onto his neatly parted thining hair so he's agreed to meet on Monday. Why thank you kind sir. Your kindness knows no bounds. Jerk. Now my Firewall is clearly deadset on ensuring that when i go online, I stay within the confines of sleep inducing coporate propaganda by denying me access to this website which according to them contains "Sexual Mat...

I've exposed my dirty laundry before. Online, in virtual obscurity, is one thing, but I can’t think of any friends who know more than 2 of my confessions and definitely no family. Over the last 4 months, living with my aunt has made us bosom buddies – the one person I can talk to about anything. Well, almost anything. She makes me want to spill my guts and reveal all the skeletons and putrefying corpses I’m hiding in my closet. I suppose this can be attributed to the fact that in our frequent midnight chitchats she has discovered many of my eccentricities and has already concluded I'm a regular freakazoid, the unfortunate offspring of a Martian family scarred by generations of inbreeding. Last night we were discussing why I have such a negative attitude towards marriage. So I thought, well, at this juncture nothing I said would make her lift an eyebrow in the slightest bit of surprise or concern. After much ado, multiple delay tactics, furious blushing and dramatizing to soapy...

I have this irrepressible urge to go out and actively seek and destroy the asswipe who invented the alarm clock. If he's dead, my wrath will be passed on to his children and their children's children ad infinitum. At the moment of his brainwave he didn't realise he would be irreversibly ruining perfectly decent excuses for coming to work late: “The dog was supposed to lick me awake and he didn’t! Blame the dog.” or "What? It was raining! How could I wake up when it was raining!". This morning, like every morning, my extremely rude awakening consisted of an earpopping screeching alarm sound resulting in an involuntary groan interjected by a few choice words and a flying object now a pile of unrecognizable grit on the floor, all serving as a daily reminder of why I have “sleep early, dumbass” on my To Do lists. I need 6 full hours of sleep to operate in any capacity remotely qualifying as normal. A minute less and I'm a zombie ready to star in a Michael Jackson ...

Stumbled across This Blog . This guy is so funny he put me in stitches. Shame it rarely gets updated, but its worth a read. Came late to work today, so I have to pretend to be busy for at least another 30 minutes. Trying to perfect my pensive pose...I'm certainly deserving of an Oscar right about now.

I’m going through a dry spell here. My life is so dull right now, there’s absolutely NOTHING to blog about. I’ll post anyway, but I cannot guarantee your sanity by the time you are done with this mind numbing brain fart. Warning: Reading this post may lead to foaming at the mouth and/or reddened swollen eyes with throbbing veins in prominence, out of complete and utter boredom. Proceed at your own risk. I had croissants and a yogi sip (drinkable yoghurt) for lunch today. Tasted real yummy. But my tummy is now acting funny. I feel so crummy. It had probably expired on me. I'm such a dummy. I think I need my mummy. My baby cousin took his first steps yesterday. They’ll be his last for a while. Fell flat on his face and lost a quarter of his teeth. Well, one tooth - he only had four. Oooh ooh ooh since we are suing for fun: the USA doesn't want to sign the Kyoto protocol YET is probably responsible for 1/4 of the world's greenhouse gas emmisions. They are messing with MY ozon...

I'm in the market for new friends. I'm not picky. All I’m looking for is someone who knows how to have a great time and most importantly, someone who can afford to take me out to dinner. I don’t mean an extravagant upmarket restaurant with a different wine and fork and knife for every food group, just a regular steak and chips supper washed down with a can of coke. I'm sick and tired of hanging around with a bunch of broke-ass douche bags just cluttering up the surface of the earth. This weekend a new friend of mine (oozing potential for being more than just friends) invited me over to her town about 3 hrs drive away. After early evening pre-drinks, her friends and I hit the clubs to let loose on the dance floor. After about 10 mins I noticed everyone was still lounging around like a bunch of old ladies so I got a drink order from everyone to get the damn party started already. I must be suffering from a major culture gap because I was under the impression that we were goin...

Google-Search-Term-Leading-to-this-Blog of the Day: "Cameroonian pu$$ies" Hmm. Very disturbing if thats what my blog has been reduced to. Note the use of dollar signs to prevent further misrepresentation. *********** I tried to set up my voicemail today. I dialled 123, spent 5 minutes on hold, then finally got a REAL person on the line. Total waste of a chunk of my life. "I'm sorry, that service is not currently available, but please try again in 2 months". 2 months????????? Like...for real?!?! I had this idea that the 3rd world sucked, but boy was I clueless of just how much. (Context: Lived in Geneva for the larger part of my life, then lived in SA which is one of the better 3rd world nations and I'm now in Cameroon - having major adjustment issues here!) I'm not asking for 3G or WAP or even GPRS, just , you know, your regular run-of-the-mill mail retrieval system. "Hi, please leave a message at the beep" type thing. But nooooo - that's j...